Messiahgiri – A sequel to the Tale of two Tortoises

For those who missed the original tale of two tortoises, you can find it here.

The Tortoise told the Hare you could be a good Tortoise you know, that was a hell of race you ran. The Hare grudgingly replies none can much your eloquence and you didnt even have to run.

The Tortoise looked on at the Giant Screen and then at the ocean of humanity in awe of himself on the Giant Screen and told himself

“the time has come to talk of many things and to walk on water”

But then turtles can walk on water murmured his inner voice only to be snubbed with a stern admonishment.

His time had come and the Tortoise’s handlers insisted it was “progressive” to address him as the Messiah.

The Messiah’s reign on earth was without parallel in history for its history was written even before it actually started.

Booker Prizes were already planned for the books he would write at the end of his reign.

Lifetime Achievment Awards were readied at the Academy for documentaries he would commission on Global causes his reign woldnt have the time to get to.

The NBA and the NFL commissioned portraits for the Hall of Fame for games he would not play and title seasons he would not win.

The Nobel Committee too met in Norway to give him the Peace Prize for conflicts he would talk about resolving.

But then the Messiah was not one to be overwhelmed by the burden of History yet to be lived.

Undeterred he called upon the people of the world that his Life yet to be lived was a Global call to Action for all those progressive values that ensured his ascesion from a mere Tortoise to a Messiah.

The messiah called upon the people of the world that it was time every childhood tale was stripped of morals that were discriminatory and were not inclusive enough.

The messiah exhorted the people of the world to discard all those stories with a moral for they were an affront to the historic struggles of disadvantaged Tortoises.

The messiah called upon the world to embrace a new era where “liberally” conscionable means shall ensure every Story has a “Progressive” end.

The messiah then looked over his shoulder at all those nominees the Nobel Peace Committee had passed over and said

“it is not about winning, it is about participation”

Feel proud he encouraged them for their supreme sacrifice in disadvantaging themselves in this competition so there was positive discrimination in favor of the Messiah.

He then turned his gaze upon the Nobel Peace Committee members to say that this was also a victory for them the observers in at last having a stake in the race, a true triumph for “Inclusive Progressivism”.

From now on declared the Messiah no race shall be run without the observers not having a stake in ensuring “Progressive outcomes”, its not about who won the race anymore its about making sure the refrees of the race have a clean conscience that the most “progressive outcome” was ensured.

Finally the Messiah ended his speech telling the people that they must not despair, they must look to the future with optimism for he the Messiah had pre-destined their futures for them with Progressive outcomes that will be non-discriminatory, inclusive, not competitive, respectful and morally conscionable.

The Messiah ended his speech with a closing note that

“with the audacity of hope the Tortoise can always win and the outcome of every race can be changed to what you believe in”

Postscript: Inspired by this epochal Messiahgiri, in far away India the scion of the ruling dynasty expressed an audacious hope “main banoonga messiah” and traded his cousins for progressive Kenyan Hut dwellers

Filed under: DesiPundit, Fiction, Progressivism

Pappu’s Wily Strategery

He did his best to win friends and influence potential partners

Who is Pappu ?

He even transformed his own image from a soft-spoken, platitudinous Clark Kent-like figure to a wily strategerist

Who is Pappu ?

He reached out to praise Nitish’s governance and bestow a more qualified approval of Naidu

Who is Pappu ?

He gave jitters to both the BJP and the Third Front

Who is Pappu ?

He didnt force an attempt to stitch up a meeting of flexible ideologies

Who is Pappu ?

he signalled that what matters more in a stable coalition is compatible working styles and a commitment to delivering governance rather than perfect philosophical understanding

(That is one long sentence Pappu can never construct or utter, nevertheless)

Who is Pappu ?

He aimed to portray the Congress as the indispensable party, and dealt a body blow to the NDA

Who is Pappu ?

He also administered a deft reality check to competition, squashing NCP’s pretensions,

Who is Pappu ?

He has patented a disarming straight-talk technique

(Really he is an inventor ?)

Who is Pappu ?

With his vehement, oft-stated, antipathy to dynastic politics…..

(How incredible is he the 3rd coming of the messiah, unfortunately Obama has usurped the second coming ?)

Who is Pappu ?

He has a well-worked operating procedure

(Awesome)

Who is Pappu ?

(Papa is this Clark Kent like Pappu really Superman that he can do all this ?)

(No Beta he cant be, he doesnt wear his unmentionables on the outside but he is a wily strategerist)

Filed under: Dharmayudh-2009, Fiction, India Elections 2009, India Lok Sabha Elections 2009, Lok Sabha Polls 2008-2009, betrayal of aam admi, jeetega-bharat

Election 2009 Satire – Of Smelly Projectiles and an Inner Voice

Its been over a year since Sphinxlike Silencia broke her sphinx like silence.

With Shivmohan Singh expelled in disgrace and Manraj Patil indisposed after a heart bypass, the overwhelming mood of doom and gloom has muted Sphinxlike Silencia into a permanent stupor.

The seasons were changing and the hustings were fast approaching.

Sphinxlike Silencia’s spin meisters were a worried lot on how to break her trance.

But then they say fate is not without a sense of cheeky, arrogant and snobbish irony.

Shivmohan Singh departure paved the way for the elitist Cheatambaram.

Cheatambaram it was rumored suffered a magnetic personality.

He had no control over his tendency to attract highly undesirable objects in extremely ackward situations.

It was this magnetic personality of Cheatambaram that attracted Sphinxlike Silencia’s handlers to field him to handle the nosy parkers in the media.

It was a fateful Tuesday when Cheatambaram’s magnetism exuded unusually strong attraction at the morning press conference in North Block.

The nosy parkers in the media were getting restless unable to resist his magnetism. The tension was palpable in the ether as the press conference progressed.

Cheatambaram’s folly that Tuesday Morning was his verbal diarrohea which tended to exacerbate the magnetic perturbations.

Fortunately most of the nosy parkers came prepared taking precautions from Dr. Scholl’s but for one poor unfortunate soul who’s feet just simply could not take it.

Before he knew it his Size 9 Reebok transmogrified itself into a smelly Projectile that made its way to Cheatambaram’s face.

But then something dramatic happened just before the projectile could hit its intended target.

The fabric of Space-Time ruptured and the smelly projectile that was headed towards Cheatambaram was transported through the Space-Tume continnum to Sphinxlike Silencia’s Conscience.

Sphinxlike Silencia lay motionlessly in a stupor when the smelly projectile approached her unannounced to breache her impenetrable intellect.

The smelly projectile carried it with it an air of unbearable stench.

This miasma of unresolved emotions that accompanied the smelly projectile so overwhelmed Sphinxlike Silencia’s conscience that her “Inner Voice” errupted with a shriek that ruptured ear drums and silenced her critics.

From Manraj Patil to Cheatambaram the pall of doom and gloom was lifted.

Sphinxlike Silencia’s spin meisters were overjoyed with unbirdled exuberance. 

The sphinx like silence was broken, her “Inner Voice” had spoken.

They could now face the hustings with confidence, victory was in sight, but for one olfactory problem.

Sphinxlike Silencia’s conscience may have absorbed the impact of the smelly projectile,  her Inner Voice may have silenced her critics but the miasma of emotions remained unresolved in the air above.

Despite Sphinxlike Silencia’s meister’s best efforts at spin, her Campaign continued to stink from an unclaimed Size 9 Reebok.

Filed under: Fiction, India Elections 2009, India Lok Sabha Elections 2009

The Pink Burqa Campaign

An Open Letter to the “Consortium of Pub Going, Loose and Forward Women“.

Al-Qaeda’s number 3 Mustafa Abu Al-Yazid has just declared War on your  favorite watering holes and believe me he means it. If you are still in doubt of the safety of the sanctum santorum of the Pubs of Bangalore, you just have to visit the blood stained walls of Cafe Leopold in downtown Mumbai.

So whether you like it or not Abu Al-Yazid is coming. From NASA to the Night Watchman, Brigade Road to the Residency Road, nothing is going to be safe from him unless you act right now.

So save some of that pink derriere will you and not waste it all on that desi mongrel who is all bark and no bite.

Instead show Abu Yazid that the “Loose and Forward Women” are second to none at defending National Interest.

Here is a really “loose and forward” way to do it.

Send him and the real Taliban some Pink Burqas instead to deliver the message that “Pink” is the most intimidating color there is.

Send them the message that they dare not send their Fidayeen to Indian shores, lest they return to the ungoverned wastelands of Northwestern Pakistan with their toe-nails colored pink.

Still not convinced well think of the yeo-women service you will be doing to all the “not so loose” and “really backward” women of the North Western Frontier who have no “pubs to go to”. The “Pink Burqa” will become a ray of hope that someday they too can taste the pink flavor of freedom at their neighborhood pink watering hole.

If you are wondering where to send the Pink Burqa’s to, any one of these gentlemen should be able to help you out.

So here is to wishing you luck with your Pink Chaddi campaign while also hoping that you will not take Abu Yazid’s bluster lying down.

Yours Truly

A not so loose, sometimes backward, Pub intimidated Indian Male

Postscript: If on the other hand you want to really invest some of that Pink Energy towards making a difference to Governance, read Rohit over at the Retributions.

More Postscript:  If you want a second opinion on why some of that “pink derriere” is better preserved read D.P. Satish over at the CNN-IBN on how the media made Muthalik.

Filed under: Fiction, Lok Sabha Polls 2008-2009, betrayal of aam admi

Death of Conventional Political Wisdom – An Inquest

It can now be safely concluded that, what has till now been called Conventional Wisdom on Indian Politics is dead.

It must also be said that this Conventional Wisdom was dead for sometime since it was called into the ER. We just did not recognize its death for the media pundits and spin meisters have provided with oxygen to keep up the public pretense.

This is a post-mortem to determine why Conventional Wisdom died, if its death was natural or a homicide and to fix responsibility.

Let us first begin with the facts.

What was Conventional Wisdom on Indian Politics ?

Conventional Wisdom on Indian Politics as we know it for the last 2 decades was that there was a single defining political fault line. That fault line was the secular-communal divide. Fighting Communalism at all costs was paramount. It was the defining moral yardstick for rationalizing all seeminly irrational and unethical political decisions.

How do we know this Conventional Wisdom once existed ?

For evidence that this Conventional Wisdom once existed we turn to some of the political miracles of the last two decades like

- the survival of the P.V. Narasimha Rao lead Minority Congress Government through its full term

- the inexplicable luck and fortune of political midgets like H.D. Deve Gowda and I.K. Gujral in becoming Prime Minister

- the mutant case of an Independent MLA in Madhu Koda becoming Chief Minister of Jharkhand

- the oxymoron of an Electile Dysfunctional Prime Minister in Manmohan Singh

In all of these political miralces we see the hidden hand of Conventional Political Wisdom that communalism must be defeated at all costs.

If it once existed how do we know it is now dead ?

Strange events have occured.

- Chandrababu Naidu has supported and opposed the BJP

- Muslims in Gujarat voted for the BJP

- Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi, both?did not lose sleep over Nandigram’s many Muslim Victims

- Shiv Sena voted for Pratibha Patil

- Jayalalitha had lunch with Narendra Modi

- Ashish Nandy does not?call Karnataka’s middle class communalized

- Amar Singh was invited to dinner by the Congress

- And finally Lord Meghnad Desai believes a Right of Center coalition will emerge

Since these strange events have been observed, Conventional Political Wisdom has been maintaining a sphinx like silence. With both the Communists and Mayawati now calling Mulayam Singh anti-Muslim, we are left with just one chilling conclusion.

Conventional Political Wisdom as we once knew it is now dead.

Why did Conventional Wisdom die ?

To establish the cause of death we looked at the cause-effect relationship between the above strange events and events preceeding them.

Chandrababu Naidu lost an election -> Chandrababu is opposed to the BJP

Sonia Gandhi calls Modi a Merchant of Death?-> Muslims in Gujarat vote for the BJP

CPI-M UPA announce a joint committee on Nuclear Deal -> Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi sleep blissfully while Nandigram’s Muslim are paid back with the same coin.

Narayan Rane ups the ante on Thackeray -> Thackeray supports Pratibha Patil

Gujarat re-elects Narendra Modi -> Jayalalitha sups with Modi

BJP wins Karnataka -> Ashish Nandy does not see a vice in Karnataka’s middle class

Mayawati spies Rahul Gandhi’s unmentionables – Amar Singh sups with Sonia Gandhi

Sonia Gandhi dithers on Nuclear Deal – Meghnad Desai?sees a Right of Center coalition emerging

Amar Singh gets a Nuclear Education from MK Narayanan – Mayawati calls Mulayam anti-Muslim

It is clear from the cause-effect relationship between these events that the Law of Unintended Consequences was at work here. Hence this inquest finds Unintended Consequences to be the cause of death for Conventional Wisdom.

Were those unintended consequences random or masterminded by a single perpetrator ?

To answer this question the inquest enlisted the support of an in-house Forensics expert who specializes in Political Crimes. The Forensics expert conducted a fingerprint analysis on the Unintended Consequences to find a match against a database of known offenders including the BJP, Congress, CPI-Mafioso and others.

The fingerprint scan returned a blank.

So we now know that neither the BJP nor the Congress nor any of the other assorted regional and not so regional parties perpetrated the Unintended Consequences that caused the death of Conventional Political Wisdom.

So who is the perpetrator ?

Having realized the limitations of the world of forensics in answering this question, the inquest turned to the world of blogging and one blogger in particular who suffers a visually rich?strain of schizophrenia that has endowed him a gift of seeing things invisible.

No sooner did the inquest present this schizophrenic blogger with the Unintended Consequences that he started seeing patterns that were to hitherto invisible to the rational and sane mind.

Looking through the farce and the hypocrisy of the Unintended Consequences the schizophrenic blogger saw the invisible hand of Dharma.

Dharma was the prepetrator who was blurring fault lines, breaching divides, opening beach heads and overturning conventional wisdom.

But Dharma did not just stop at killing conventional wisdom.

Dharma is now attempting to replace Conventional Wisdom with Righteous Wisdom that sees this as a battle that has Righteouness on one side, Victimhood and Guilt on another with Evil and Tyranny waiting in the wings to take over.

This inquest demands that Dharma be stopped at all costs before the next vestige of what is considered conventional in Indian Politics?is killed

Filed under: Fiction, Lok Sabha Polls 2008-2009

Offstumped Fiction: The Ultimate Indian Time Buying Formula

More from Manraj Patil and Shivmohan Singh’s personal logs?

For those who just joined see this to know how I ended up stuck in Sphinxlike Silencia’s limbo while in the quest for a Time Buying Formula.

Having lost all sense of time and space I waited for that moment of truth when Madam would break her sphinxlike silence to release from this limbo. That moment did come but I didnt quite gather what prompted Madam to break her silence, I was to learn the cause much later.

Not one for small talk, Madam got down to business almost immideately calling for an emergency meeting of the core group of her Congress of her Madam’s Poodles also called the Congress Working?Committee, CWC.

Shivmohan tagged along as well with me, he still had Einstein’s german speaking Zionist brain.?

The first order of business at Madam’s request was a resolution to keep Shivmohan gagged in public and to keep his zionist grey cells a secret from the public to avoid any embarassment with the Minority community.

A sycophant immideately sensed a problem with the public gag order to remind Madam that since Shivmohan was Madam’s personal hand maiden on IAF Junkets the public might begin to speculate if her sphinx like silence was contagious.

Madam, may god bless her foresight, had already though of this. She said that Shivmohan had already made public his “Foot in the Mouth” disease during her Trial, so the public gag order on his afflicted mouth will not come as a surprise.

The next order of business was the quest for the Time Buying Formula. Madam made it clear she was not ready to face Don Karat’s threats she needed a diversion to buy time.

So what kind of?a diversion should that be, persisted a Clown ?

As a creative cloud cast its shadow on the moonlit terrace where the CWC met, Madam mused

It should be something where procrastination would be viewed as natural.

It should be something which can hold the public’s imagination while leaving them with bated breath to eagerly await the next twist in the tale.

It should be something that allows for new actors to enter the picture giving rise to even more speculation on how their entry would influence the final outcome.

It should be something with an after effect that lingers on while you crave for even more

It should be something that will not just make the public distracted from unpleasant issues like inflation but make it impossible for Don Karat play spoiler even if he forced a showdown resulting in early elections

What could it be mused a sycophant, while the rest of the courtiers, mercenaries and clowns in the CWC scratched their heads ?

It was at this time that Shivmohan started muttering something in German. Fortunately for the pack of clowns in the CWC I was Oxford educated and knew a thing or two about German and what I heard Shivmohan muttering startled me.

It went something like this.

You didnt need Einstein’s brain and the Theory of Relativity to invent a brand new Time Buying Formula. You already have one 100% Swadeshi, as Indian as it can get.

Shivmohan started pacing up and down the moonlit terrace muttering in German, reminding me of Dustin Hoffman in the movie RainMan. He kept repeating the words

Ekta Balaji, Balaji Ekta

Hearing those words Madam broke her sphinx like silence once again to say

all that Television viewing was not in vain, of course if those unmentionable Saas Bahu Serials could buy time indefinitely while the public agonizes from episode to episode on when a relationship would ultimately consummate, why cant we do the same

Thats it jumped the sycophants, courtiers, mercenaries and clowns in unision to agree with her.

We needed to script the Ultimate Indian Soap Opera, something that would far surpass any Saas Bahu serial Ekta Kapoor’s Balaji Telefilms had ever conjured up. This would be the perfect spoil. It would grip the nation’s attention, it would bring life as we know it to a standstill and nobody would complain if the deal dragged on till it was election time as they would be totally focussed on the next episode of this National Soap Opera.

But what script would hold the attention of a Nation and force Don Karat to not even dare being a spoiler ?

Shivmohan’s German was now becoming incomprehensible as he rattled off something that sounded more like a mish-mash Goethe and Neitschze but it was actually a leaf of Karl Marx’s copybook.

Religion maybe the opium of the masses in the middle east, but to Indians it is Films, Cricket and that ultimate?tear jerker – the Great Indian Wedding

Madam was stunned into a sphinxlike stupor.?This was now getting personal, something ?she had agonized privately over not having anyone to share with. Yuvraj had just turned 38 and still single but for a brief Spanish flirtation which now dares bring up publicly.

This could be the perfect spoil.

A National Soap Opera to grip the public’s imagination and completely blow the wind of the opposition’s sails and Don Karat would not even dream of being a spoilsport for fear incurring the public’s wrath.

Ideas were being thrown fast and thick by the CWC

It could be?a Swayamvar for Yuvraj

It could be a Surreality Show on Live Television like the Eligible Bachelor

It could be hosted in different State Capitals over the next 6 months

It could be opened up to the public to vote through SMS on who is best suited to marry Yuvraj

Even if Don Karat forced a showdown resulting in early elections nothing better to keep the public hooked on Yuvraj instead of the dust and din of campaign rallies.?

But there was one snag, will Yuvraj agree to this Ultimate Indian Time Buying Formula or Pre-Poll Distraction ??

For the sake of the nation, for the sake of his Mother’s credibility, for the sake of his own political fortunes ……………

Filed under: Fiction, Uncategorized

Offstumped Fiction: The quest for a Time Buying Formula

An identical entry found in Manraj Patil’s and Shivmohan Singh’s personal logs. A date and time could not be firmly established as both of them were lost to the rest of civilization while in the middle of a quest for a Time Buying Formula.

It started after wily Pranab Dasgupta decided to go down under while packing Don Karat to Chennai to see young Mr. Muthuvel. Shivmohan and I were told by Madam Sphinxlike Silencia to start once again looking for a Time Buying Formula.

This time it was going to be different I told Shivmohan.

We can no longer rely on the logic of public pretensions.

We could have gotten away with Dubya given his limited intellect but Don Karat is a different animal. In his dictionary there is no distinction between “intentions” and “acting on those intentions”.

Madam’s sphinx like silence is not helping anymore. This deal now requires a nuclear option.

So where do we go to shop for a time ?

Shivmohan hit this brilliant idea as I was lost in a soliloquy staring away at the emptiness of the space-time continnum.

Shivmohan said – Let us get Einstein’s brain !

The solution eluded me at first till Shivmohan explained that . Einstein’s brain was removed within seven hours of his death?and? sections had been preserved in alcohol in 2 large mason jars within a cider box for over 20 years.

With Einsteins brain in?a jar, immense new?possibilities now opened up to my eyes. When only a few moments ago I was staring at empty space time now I was looking at relativistically speaking a googol number of options to stall Time.

But the first step was to perform brain surgery on Shivmohan, he was not that bright anyway, constantly praying for more Intelligence. Well who knew destiny would smile on him in this manner for not every moron gets to trade his brain for Einstein’s.

The surgery itself was painless and within minutes Shivmohan was explaining to me why fastening seat belts didnt make much sense while driving at the speed of light, there was one problem though well actually two. Shivmohan was now speaking in German. But that was the lesser of problems. There was a bigger problem Shivmohan’s less gifted original brain had failed to anticipate.

Here we were trying to buy time to wriggle out of a Deal with the great Satan while Madam Sphinxlike Silencia was agonizing on hurting Muslims sentiments, and now we are stuck with Albert Einstein’s Jewish brain in Shivmohan’s head.

Now compute the quantum effect this would have on Secularism, with the Indian Home Minister’s brain having turned zionist and communal.

But it was too late and there werent too many brains to trade Einstein’s for and Shivmohan got down to work on a new Time Buying Formula.

This one would be bigger and better than Theory of Relativity he claimed.

So what exactly did Shivmohan compute ?

I have no idea for now I am in a parallel universe after racing at the speed of light. Time to me has pretty much stalled. There are no signs of threats from Don Karat here. There is something unnervingly familiar about this place lulling me into a false sense of security.

It must be the all pervasive sound of silence.

Hell, I am stuck in Sphinxlike Silencia’s limbo !

Filed under: Fiction

Offstumped Fiction – Kaun Banega Obama

This is INN-CBN, welcome to the final episode of the Ultimate Surreality Contest if there ever was one – “Kaun Banega Obama”.

We have an interesting slate of finalists, but before I introduce them, a word from our sponsors – the manufacturers of “Fair and Lovely”.

(A Jingle is Played)

Interviewer: Obamaji aapke mulayam gaalon ka raaz kya hai

Obamaji: Maa ka doodh, Pita ka pyaar aur Fair & Lovely ka Saath, yeh hai mere chehre ke raaz

And now we return once again to the Ultimate Surreality Contest if there ever was one – Kaun Banega Obama, with your host Conscientiously Guilty Desai and hostess Politically Correct Ghosh

Conscientiously Guilty Desai:? Can we have our finalists introduced please, with political correctness of course.

Politically Correct Ghosh Our first finalist is from the southern state of Tamil Nadu. Joining us after a?very eventful?bash is birthday boy Muthuvel.

A spotlight flashes on the corner of the stage from which Muthuvel is brought in to make a grand entry

Conscientiously Guilty Desai:? So Muthuvel what was all that about

Muthuvel: I have a problem, whenever I am in front of TV Cameras, I start kicking and screaming, so I need to be carried around to keep things under control.

Politically Correct Ghosh: So Muthuvel tell us aap Obama kyon banana chhahte hain

Muthuvel: Hindi is like carrier food from the hotel and English is the food made by the cook according to one?s instruction, but Tamillanguage is like food cooked by mother who knows the family?s needs and preferences, and feeds them accordingly.?

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: Now that was not very politically correct, Ghosh. So Muthuvel allow me to apologize for that Aryan insult to your Dravidian pride. Tell us why do you think you can be India’s Obama.

Muthuvel: I am young and audacious at 85, if you have any doubts you can ask and verify with not one but two of my wives.

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: Thats impressive, ?gurudev !?

Now Politically Correct before you jump off your rocker, Muthuvel tell us what makes you better than the other finalists to be India’s Obama.

Muthuvel: I am the best to become India’s Obama because I was Obama before Obama was even born. I?had the audacity to?hope for change and change you can believe in back in the?60s. In case you havent noticed while others?promised change I actually delivered change. I blacked out Hindi from Tamil Nadu?for all practical purposes. What’s more I am even better than Obama. If Obama has the mainstream media in his pocket, I owned the mainstream media in Tamil Nadu, all in the family. The best Obama could come up with was to have his pastor goddamm America. I have damned God himself. So who better than me to become India’s Obama.

Politically Correct Ghosh:? Cant beat that, well Muthuvel thanks for joining us and all the best. Up next are Laloo Singh from Bihaar and Mulayam Parsad from OOpi.

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: Lalooji Mulayamji aap dono saath saath ?

Laloo Singh & Mulayam Parsad in chorus: Yeh ham naya album launch kar rahe hai. “Hum bhi Obama”.

Politically Correct Ghosh:? Kya baat hai, to batayenge aap Obama banane layaak kyon hai, ek saath nahi, alag alag

Lalooo Singh: Mulayam bhaiyya, pehle aap

Mulayam Parsad: Nahi Laloo bhaiyya, pehle aap

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: aree bhaiyya is pehle aap mein Obama Express choot jayegi

Lalooo Singh: Ab Obama Express ki baat ho rahi hai to hum kahe dete hain ki hum Obama Number One kyon hai, angrezi mein. You see this Obama fellow keeps telling the nation’s capital is broken by insiders and only he can fix it because he is an outsider. Now you tell me Harvard, Stanford everyone agrees that Laloo is the biggest outsider of them all. I fixed all the broken tracks of the Indian Railways, jab ki hame Biziness ka ABC tak nahi aata. Ab batao kaun sabse bada Obama Number One hai.

Mulayam Parsad: hum bhi kucch bole yahaan ?

Lalooo Singh: Nahi, suno ek aur batayenge. This Obama fellow wants you to dream. Arre yeh kya sapna dikhayega, sapne to humne dekhe hain. Iske sapno mein to god ko dammn karte hain. Hamare sapne mein Shivji aate hain, batao koi comparison hai ? Aakrhi baat iske rally mein sirf log behosh ho jaate hain, arre hamare Bihar mein jab Laloo ki juloos nikalti hain to chaara khaate gai aur bhains bhi behosh ho jaate hain.

Mulayam Parsad: chal hat chaara chor, ab meri baari. To hum batayenge ki hum rishte mein Obama ke baap kyon lagte hain. Obama to abhi baccha hain, ghar ke liye zameen khareedna uski bas ki baat nahi hai, chor ucchkon ka saath chahiye. Humne ghar aur zameen muft mein bade badon ko di hai. Amar se puccho, Amitabh se puccho. Koi hai iss akhara mein Mulayam ka saamna karne layaak ?

Politically Correct Ghosh: Lalooji, Mulayamji bahut Khushi hui aap dono aaye. Apke naye album “hum bhi Obama” ke liye all the best. Moving our next contestant is Yuvraj Vinci.

Yuvraj Vinci makes a grand entry with an entourage of 5 in tow

Politically Correct Ghosh: So Yuvraj whats with this Vinci thing, I thought you were a Gandhi ?

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: Now now, no politically incorrect questions of Yuvraj. Dont you see if Obama can go from Hussein Obama to only Obama to protect his identity so can Yuvraj. But tell me Yuvraj whats with this entourage, are they contesting too ?

Politically Correct Ghosh: Let me stop you right there before you start feeling guilty and mushy asking questions of Yuvraj. Cant you see they are his handlers. I am now beginning to doubt your loyalty to the dynasty ?? So Yuvraj dont take the trouble of answering any questions, we dont want to sully your chances of being crowned India’s Obama. So instead let me ask your courtiers, sycophants, mercenaries and clowns, why they think you should be crowned India’s Obama ?

Courtiers, Sycophants, Mercenaries and Clowns in chorus: amma de, haan de, tera munda bigada jaye, de de, haan de, tera munda bigada jaaye, amma de, amma de

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: Well cant beat that, its decision time now in the Ultimate Surreality Contes if there ever was one “Kaun Banega Obama” and the Crown goes to…

Politically Correct Ghosh: wait, wait we are not done yet, we have a surprise and secret finalist

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: now who is this unheard of discreet finalist maintaining a sphinx like silence

Politically Correct Ghosh: You said, its Madam Sphinxlike Silencia who is out on bail after her rather unfair trial while she awaits sentencing.

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: Hmmm but how she can match Obama’s eloquence with her sphinx like silence

Courtiers, Sycophants, Mercenaries and Clowns in chorus sing the “Sounds of Silence”:

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, “The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls”
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Politically Correct Ghosh: That does it for me, on that highnote I am declaring Sphinxlike Silencia India’s Obama

Yuvraj throws a juvenile temper tantrum: But amma ?

Sphinxlike Silencia breaks her sphinx like silence: ab to bade?ban jao Yuvraj ??

Conscientiously Guilty Desai: With this we draw the curtains on the Ultimate Surreality Contest, it all feels so surreal I am beginning to question if there really was a contest. But thats not for me to judge, so long folks thanks for tuning in………

Filed under: Fiction

Offstumped Fiction: Sphinxlike Silencia’s Trial

Bailiff: All rise ! Sphinxlike Silencia versus the People of the Republic of India, Chief Justice Dharma presiding.

Chief Justice Dharma: May the counsel for the people present the case against Ms. Sphinxlike Silencia

Representing the people is Advocate RightThinker

RightThinker: Ms. Sphinxlike Silencia is charged with the following High Crimes.

Multiple counts of Substance Abuse, one count of aiding and abetting Executive Delinquency and one count of National Fraud and one count of betrayal of public trust

Dharma: Does the Counsel for the defendant have any opening remarks ?

Representing the defendant is Advocate Sycophant, Mercenary, Courtier and Clown

Sycophant: Madam sees no evil, Madam hears no evil, Madam cannot even speak no evil. She is Sphinxlike Silencia.

Dharma: very well, spoken like a true sycophant. Let us move on here shall we, Mr. RightThinker please call your first witness.

Mr. Manraj Patil will take the stand. Please raise your hand and swear ……

RightThinker: Manraj, what can you tell us about Sphinxlike Silencia’s substance abuse

Manraj: Please understand. I cannot speak for Madam without her permission. I cannot even speak for myself. I am incapable of standing up for myself, I am Electile Dysfunctional.

RightThinker: Sir let me remind you are under oath.

Manraj: It is not in my position to say this but everyone knows she is addicted to “Power without Responsibility”

ooooh, Can we have silence in the court room please

Sycophant: Objection this is irrelevant, immaterial and invertebrate

Dharma: alas the perils of erudite sycophancy. Behold how his spinelessness expresses itself through his erudition while completely clouding his intellect.

RightThinker: Hmm “Power without Responsibility”, who supplies her with this narcotic ?

Manraj: An above the ground and not so secret sect.

RightThinker: Uhhh ???

Manraj: They call themselves “the Congress of Madam’s Poodles” or popularly Congress MPs

RightThinker: Can you narrate the sequence of events when “the Congress of Madam’s Poodles” introduced Sphinxlike Silencia to “Power without Responsibility”

Sycophant: Objection Your honor, the people’s counsel is deliberately insulting the witness by asking him to narrate the painful and embarassing public exposure of his Electile Dysfunction.

Dharma: Overruled, please answer the question

Manraj: Early 2004 I was diagonised for Electile Dysfunction. Madam knew about it but maintained a sphinx like silence (chuckling…). A few months later in May, Madam was called upon to speak for the nation. Scores of Madam’s Poodles lined up outside her house demanding she speak. But she neither could she bear the painful breaking of the sphinx’s spell nor could she satisfy Madam’s Poodles. So she called a secret meeting of the Geriatric Ward of the Congress also called the CWC for some strange and unspeakable reason. In that secret meeting she sniffed for the first time the intoxicating allure of “Power without Responsibility”. The rest is history…

RightThink: Now, now Manraj not so easy, tell us more

a visibly discomfited?Manraj struggles to speak?

Manraj: She was so intoxicated with the allure of “Power without Responsibility” she broke her Sphinxlike Silence and revealed my Electile Dysfunction to the Nation by appointing me Prime Moniker, PM of the Ultimate Perverse Alliance (UPA) Cabinet of the Electile Dysfunctional. Boy was I glad to finally I was not alone and there were many electile dysfunctional like me.

RightThinker: But wasnt that a National Fraud. Didnt she campaign for the Congress MPs creating the public impression that she would speak for the Nation ?

Manraj: Yes

RightThinker: Didnt she also publicly state that the Congress would have nothing to do with the Electile Dysfunctional CPI-Mafioso leadership ?

Manraj: Yes

RightThinker: Then how is it that she went on to create this Ultimate and Perverse Alliance, UPA, with the CPI-Mafioso ?

Manraj: The first whiff of the narcotic was extremely potented. Having tasted “Power without Responsibility” once she was addicted. She wanted more of it. There was only one way the Congress MPs would allow her to have it. She would have to agree to this Ultimate and Perverse Alliance. She grudginly agreed but laid one condition.

RightThinker: That I would be the Prime Moniker for this Cabinet of the Electile Dysfunctional and Shivmohan Singh would be Hand Maiden, HM to wait on her.

Manraj Patil is excused from the witness stand and gutless wonder Shivmohan Singh is summoned and sworn

RightThinker: Gutless Wonder Shivmohan why did you agree to be the UPA’s Hand Maiden.

Shivmohan: Because the UPA didnt need one and this way I could be Sphinxlike Silencia’s Hand Maiden.

RightThinker: Dont you know that would make you guilty of Executive Delinquency ?

Shivmohan: Look “We are not in the process of blaming each other, We are here to understand and complement each other”.

RightThinker: Your lack of Intelligence notwithstanding, can you try your best and explain to us your Executive Delinquency as the UPA’s HM while actually performing the role of Hand Maiden to Sphinxlike Silencia ?

Shivmohan: Look we are an afflicted and malignant lot. She suffers stony silence, you have already embarassed Manraj over his ED, why do you want me to put my Foot in the Mouth and expose my affliction.

RightThinker: Please answer the question

Shivmohan: Sphinxlike Silencia has a soft corner for the Khaas Admi.

ooooooo order order,?there will be silence in the courthouse and can the paparazzi and the tabloids take?their?racket outside please. ?Outside the courthouse Tabloid Reporters are seen wiring a news flash on the expose of Sphinxlike Silencia’s soft corner for the Khaas Admi.

Shivmohan: See now I have put my foot in the mouth. Madam samjha karo.

RightThinker: ahaa, so all along she explains away?her sphinx like silence with her love for the Aam Admi but now we are told she actually prefers the Khaas Admi. How pray did you learn this ?

Shivmohan: Now you are really getting me into trouble. You see she is addicted to “Power without Responsibility” which means she will test positive for substance abuse. So she cannot enjoy any Office of Profit despite belonging to the Congress of her Madam’s Poodles. This disqualifies her from joining the Cabinet of the Ultimate Perverse Alliance. With me so far

RightThinker: go on …

Shivmohan: She cleverly manouvered around this disqualification to make it look like a sacrifice. But then she was in for a rude shock. After all the talk of? her love for the Aam Admi they were now going to start treating her like one and soon she realized this bitter truth

You can feign love for the Aam Admi but you cannot afford to live like one

RightThinker: That was when the public pretense began ?

Shivmohan: Yes, she started to publicly reinforce her pretentious love for the Aaam Admi but her private dalliance with the Khaas Admi began with secret jaunts on Indian Air Force flights

RightThinker: How is that possible, she is not entitled to them ?

Shivmohan: As the Ultimate Perverse Alliance’s HM I was entitled to them. So I would find some ostensible official reason to order an IAF flight and the moment she would hop on I would stowaway my self respect in the overhead cargo bins and server her as her in-flight Hand Maiden.

RightThinker: Your honor the case against Sphinxlike Silencia is tight and shut. She is guilty of Substance Abuse, National Fraud, Aiding and Abetting Executive Delinquency and Betrayal of Public Trust. I call upon this court to sentence her to the severest possible electoral punishment.

Dharma: Does the defense have anything to say ?

Sycophant: Madam sees no evil, Madam hears no evil, Madam cannot even speak no evil. She is Sphinxlike Silencia.

Dharma: Does the defendant wish to say anything before a verdict is pronounced ?

a stony sphinx like silence greets the courtroom

Dharma: very well, after all the evidence that has been presented by the witnesses, this court pronounces Sphinxlike Silencia Guilty as Charged. She will remain in Judicial Custody till the Jury in the Court of Public Opinion awards her Electoral Punishment.

Outside the Courthouse pandemonium breaks as news of Sphinxlike Silencia’s conviction spreads. The prosecution’s prime witnesses are badgered by reporters as they make an ignominous exit trying to hide the shame of their malignant afflictions.

Filed under: Fiction

Offstumped Fiction – Hell hath no fury ……

Well an Offstumped first, if not a first for this blogger. An amateur attempt by Offstumped at fiction.

First the standard disclaimer

This is a work of fiction. It is not inspired by real events. All characters in this work of fiction do not bear resemblance to anyone living and dead. Any resemblance is not just unintentional and coincidental but must be a result of your paranoid schizophrenia. If you are troubled by this you may want to consider getting a real life.

Hell hath no fury ……….

My name is Manraj Patil and I am the author of this note. If you are wondering who I am it probably means our worst fears have come true. But before ?we get to that I need to literally race against time to get this note through to you. I have written this note a million times over with a sense of Deja Vu. Every time I do so with a sense of hope that this hell that me and my colleague Shivmohan Singh have been trapped in for?eons now would make way?to the gates of heaven.

But?first I must resist the temptation to labor over our woes to?record and forewarn you of a series of events that will be the peril of our civilization as we knew it.?

Shivmohan and I have lost all sense of time. We have no memory of how many ages have past. All we are left with is the present that repeats itself over and over as if our consciouness were a figment of someone’s imagination permanently set to auto-repeat.

How did we get here ?

Well I can say is before we got here I was appointed the Prime Minister of India and Shivmohan was my Home Minister. It was the year 2004 when I assumed office after Madam Sphinxlike Silencia?abdicated responsibility. Now I am guessing you may not know who Sphinxlike Silencia is but it is not very relevant to our situation.

I must make haste now for in exactly 10 minutes our agony starts all over again, I can see Shivmohan’s guts spilling already.?

Long story short in exactly 10 minutes a series of terrorist attacks will be unleashed. The first series of attacks are in Commuter Trains in what appears to be once Mumbai. The next is in a busy market in Delhi I am pretty sure of that. This follows another 8 attacks in other Cities I cant tell all of their names including one attack in a running train and two in Mosques of some sort.

We dont know who started these attacks and why they are unleashing them. All we know is a couple of minutes before each one of these attacks both Shivmohan and I find ourselves at the scene of devastation. We see hard working Indian Citizens going about their daily lives when all of a sudden the very edifice of their reality lies shattered before their eyes.

I have 5 more minutes to chronicle all that Shivmohan and I are about to suffer for the next 24 hours before the cycle starts all over again.

Every episode begins with Shivmohan and I at the scene of devastation a few minutes before the bombs actually go off. We are witness to where the bombs are. We can hear the clock ticking and the sounds of silence of impending doom. But we are helpless. We are helpless to stop that timer. We are helpless to bring those commuter trains to a halt. We are helpless to get all those shoppers out of those markets. We are helpless to prevent that dismemberment of limbs, such is the limbo we find ourselves in.

If the agony of seeing the life snuffed out of the scores we were meant to protect was not torture enough, there is much more agony in store for us. Every one of the innocent victims who go from a state of blissful ignorance to a moment of pain and suffering are witness to our helplessness in their afterlife. They have a full memory of Shivmohan and I showing up at every one of the scenes of devastation. They remember that we had a full knowledge of what was to come.

But here comes the rub – in their afterlife before they make their way over to the other side they cannot come to peace with why we could not help.

Every single time as we stand amongst the ruins covered in blood and flesh motionless from the fury of the devastation that was unleashed before our eyes, our ears cringe listening to the many curses that are heaped on us by mothers separated from their offsprings, children who have not lived to see the prime of youth and husbands and wife’s who will not return to the warmth of their loved ones.

Those cold few minutes as the air rings with their curses we live a thousand deaths only to be reminded of the impending doom at the next scene of devastation.

With just a couple of minutes remaining let me explain why I am writing this note. These terrorist attacks happened, if not already, ?sometime when Shivmohan and I were vested with the power to protect these people. Both of us have no memory of? whats reality anymore. All we can remember was an attempt to interfere with the fabric of time. We wanted to believe these incidents never happened so we would never have to live with the guilt of not doing anything when we could have to save all of those people.

But then something went horribly wrong.

So here we are Shivmohan and I caught in this time warp, living these events over and over every 24 hours as reality for us remains arrested between the serial blasts on a commuter train and the many bombs that go off in a pink city.

If you get this note that I am now attempting to slip through the cracks of time and you have no knowledge of who we are, then it probably means our attempts to intefere with the fabric of time must have erased an entire generation of? Indians from reality. On the other hand if you do know who we are perhaps you could somehow alert our past selves of the impending doom we will find ourselves in if we dont act to prevent the mayhem on July 11th 2006 or any of the other dates in this chronicle.

I can hear the distant rumble of the Mumbai Commuter Trains, as our agony is poised to begin all over again. I must end this note now hoping somehow it makes its way past the Event Horizon to someone who could do something about our fate.

In closing all I have to say is Hell hath no fury like the curses of an innocent afterlife on its way over to the other side ……. let that be a lesson to future leaders of our great nation on the perils of delinquent inaction.

While Shivmohan and I remained condemned to this time warp, we hope and pray nobody ever suffers this torture.

signed

Manraj Patil a former Prime Minister of India

Shivmohan Singh a former Home Minister of India

Filed under: Fiction